Tuesday, July 1, 2008

stanislav said... Gerry and Cilla McCann... and hedges.

stanislav said...

Gerry and Cilla McCann, both doctors, should be in Government, surely. Only trouble is they wouldn't answer any questions put to them on the grounds that they were worthless cunts, the pair of them.

Got all the right attributes for politics - both doctors, vain, useless, cliche-spouting, selfish, fucking bastards who get some dumb fucks in the public to pay-off their mortgages. Seats in the Lords for Gerry and Cilla, both doctors. War on Portugal. Boycott Mateus Rose.

Mustn't be cynical. It is Gerry and Cilla, after all, who are the real victims here, innit.

Philomena Fishwife-McCann, people love her, don't they, she could be Gordon's PR machine. All she has to say is this is unhelpful at this time, anybody who knows Gordon knows he is a wonderful prime minister, he only slipped out for a quick blowjob, like any normal parent has done countless times and when he came back all the country's fucking money had fucking disappeared into thin fucking air, his friends saw somebody running off with it all under his arm, only they forgot to mention it until it looked like Gordon was going to jail and then Oh! Fuck me, there was loads of them, carrying all the country's money away, yes, I saw them, Me, too, didn't think it was inportant at the time.

The money was both locked-up securely and not locked-up at all, whichever. And anyway the big denomination notes were all quite capable of looking after the small denomination notes should they wake up frightened, or choking.

Gordon wants everyone in the world to go out and look in their sheds, and see if someone has put the money in thereerry and Cilla McCann, both doctors, should be in Government, surely. Only trouble is they wouldn't answer any questios put to them on the groubds that they were worthless cunts, the pair of them.

Got all the right attributes for politics - both doctors, vain, useless, cliche-spouting, selfish, fucking bastards who get some dumb fucks in the public to pay-off their mortgages. Seats in the Lords for Gerry and Cilla, both doctors. War on Portugal. Boycott Mateus Rose.

Mustn't be cynical. It is Gerry and Cilla, after all, who are the real victims here, innit.

Philomena Fishwife-McCann, people love her, don't they, she could be Gordon's PR machine. All she has to say is this is unhelpful at this time, anybody who knows Gordon knows he is a wonderful prime minister, he only slipped out for a quick blowjob, like any normal parent has done countless times and when he came back all the country's fucking money had fucking disappeared into thin fucking air, his friends saw somebody running off with it all under his arm, only they forgot to mention it until it looked like Gordon was going to jail and then Oh! Fuck me, there was loads of them, carrying all the country's money away, yes, I saw them, Me, too, didn't think it was inpoertant at the time.

The money was both locked-up securely and not locked-up at all, whichever. And anyway the big denomination notes were all quite capable of looking after the small denomination notes should they wake up frightened, or choking.

Gordon wants everyone in the world to go out and look in their sheds and see if someone has put the money in there -it is vital that w efind this money - but he can't look himself because he has to go on tv right now and look important.

It is quite a normal thing for busy professional people to leave the country's money lying around, alone, in the dark and unprotected we have all done it and so its three cheers all around for Gordon for losing us all our money, and not having to go to jail, like people who aren't dictors have to, Hip-hip Hooray....


Tuscan Tony said...

I see stan is bladdered again.


stanislav said...

Dear Mr Tony Tuscan

No Meditating on clipping a hundred metre hedge in this fucking Scottish rain between posting. No booze, chop my fucking leg off, else, Gremlins in the machine. Must need more olive oil pouring in.

love from stanislav


Tuscan Tony said...

Soothing virgin elixir on its way, in spirit of not physically. Not for use in garden machinery unlike Mr. Sid Yobbo nihilist Hitch, - he get no more oil from TT no way jose


Dear Mr Stanislav Unwin

No need to clip yer hedge twice.

Why clip it anyway? It only grows again. I suggest you set fire to it.

In fact I am surprised that, what with Hedge Rage being all the rage, more hedges are not set fire to. Certain species (resinous ones especially, like X Cupressocyparis leylandii, otherwise known as the Terror of the Suburbs) go up very nicely indeed when ignited with used chip-wrappings. Crush said wrappings into a ball, thrust into hedge, strike match, leg it away to safe distance, watch (a) merry blaze and (b) householders emerging & jumping up and down. If you can get multiple sources of ignition, so much the better -- an excellent use for the Daily Mirror, Independent, & other journals of integrity and note.

What species compose your hedge? In approximate order of flammability, I list some of the more popular hedge-components:

1. Hawthorn (hopeless -- like trying to set wire alight; flammability 0/10)
2. Beech 2/10
3. Hornbeam 3/10
4. Box 5/10
5. Wilson's honeysuckle 7/10
6. Yew 8/10
7. Juniper 9/10
8. Gorse (as favoured in Scotchland) 9/10
9. Leyland's cypress 10/10

I hope this information is thought-provoking and ultimately proves useful.

Your botanical friend

Dennis


fire raiser said...

Dennis - you've missed a couple...

3= Holly 3/10 (All smoke no fire)
7.5 Privet 9/10



stanislav said...

All around here Jock shakes ginger beetle-browed head and says No, cannae grow they hedgerow thingies up here, the noo, in all this wind, ye ken, so best jump back in bed wi' yon wee schoolboy.

So stanislav grow half-mile, more, of thick luxuriant hedge, ten feet high and six feet thick and home to bird and bee and fuck knows what else, is like tropical fucking rain forest round here, get all burnt by winter's bitterbastard wind but come back right as fourpence every spring.

Jock is just idle fucking bastard, why bother with nurture and cultivate and make garden and oxygen and wildlife when best thing is drink giro and headbutt Mrs in chops, and get sent in anger management course off probation oficer; why bother make fucking exercise when hospital is free off English blokes' tax. Jock would have garden if social services come and make one and maintain but otherwise is no fucking chance.

Cannot, therefore, make hedge arson from hedge, matter of Anglo-Polish pride, - some corner of a foreign barbed wire-strung field that is forever England - but will consider possible flammability quotient of Jock, instead, bastard should go up like fucking rocket, innit, all that cheap booze and porridge and amyl nitrate.

Will come and discuss species of hedge in your bell tower, cynical bastards here probably not recover from yesterday's child care lessons. Me neither.

Jock response to noisy kid is, of course, throw down fucking stairs or go out and have quality time piss-up with professional Jock colleagues, leave kid alone and hope for fucking best, innit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear plumber's assistant - unlikely you'll read this but thank you, here in late June 2022, for taking the trouble to archive this cross-section of stanislav back in 2007/2008. As you probably know, he never bothered to do it himself, and with the order-order comments archive long since sealed or deleted, having this selection has been a great help. Leave a comment on mrishmael.blogspot dot com if you get this?

cheers

v./