john bright MP said...Knighthoods, cocaine and rentboys all round.

john bright MP said...

Oh, Friends, not in these tones.

Writing weekly fan letters to themselves in their local 'papers our MPs never really disclose the true, shameful level of penury which is their portion as they strive to make life better for we ingrates.

Clearly, on balance and in a very real sense the Devil, as ever, is in the detail - as people like Lord Digby Bendover-Jones, are wont to say - and we do not, do we, want to "get into" a blame culture, apart that is from blaming the poor for their poverty, the disabled for their haltness and the old for their age. We must blame, further, at this moment, those reckless service folk whose oversights and derelictions of duty turn the valuable aircaft with which they are entrusted into fireballs thus not only selfishly incinerating themselves at great public expense but embarrassing further the great Brummie war leader, Mr Bob Shithouse AInsworth, MP, himself briefly a capstan operator at Standard Triumph before taking up the cares and responsibilities of Labour movement parasitism; there is, in truth, much blame to be leveled at the electorate in its many guises but those - exalted ones, like Melvyn Lord Bragg the Cunt and that fucking bastard from the Royal Mail, Crozier - from commerce, the arts and politics who appear on the BBC's
Channel Dimbleby are, by their very modesty and self-sacrifice, beyond blame and cheap at the price, whatever it is.

Think of our first black parasite, baroness Diane Lard-Abbott of CaribbeanHolidaysRus, toiling, not as she would prefer, on behalf of her electorate, but labouring at the coalface of Jock Scab-Neil's pretend tv programme, tittle-tattling drunkenly for a mere thousand pounds an hour, ensconced with Aren't I A Prick Portillo, or scribbling long into the night for her various newspaper columns when she might be more joyfully and virtuously engaged on constituency business; driven as she is to making fascinating celebrity TV programmes about herself, the great smirking, tongue-tied, moronic, politically illiterate, overfed blubber mountain deserves our understanding. And our money. The sacrifices that Diane has made in order to send her son to private school, far from the grimy spawn of constituents who pay her, are testament not only to her socialist principles but to how very poorly paid she is and we should be grateful under the circumstances that she continues to stand.

The very next time we see a prospective legislator assuring us that he will work tirelessly not on his or her own behalf but on ours we must remember that this may well be what he or she wants to do but our pusillanimous, penny-pinching approach to public service pay will drive he or she into moonlighting in the media, in commerce, in the courts, even, heaven forfend, in the pizza business, as one elderly lady MP is forced to do as, her Old Maid oeuvre exhausted, her publishing work falls away.

Who can doubt the shame felt by firebrand socialist entertainer Mr George Pussy, MP, of the RespectMe party, forced, in order to make ends meet, into neglecting his paid duties in the House and dressing up in fetish clothing to do a spot of granny porn in the Big Brother House.

No, Mr Guido, lay down your weary cudgel, chide and reprove no more for it is we who are at fault. The impoverishment of our MPs is a running sore on the body politic. Know you not that even still-serving MPs are forced to completely disappear from the House in order to concentrate on earning a crust, as though in early retirement but still drawing the salaries and expenses. One thinks of Mr Alan Punk-Milburn, former health secretary, now, still an MP but working full-time for the pharmaceuticals industry; his colleague Ms Patsy C Difficile Hewitt, having showered the doctors with payrises they hadn't even asked for, this brilliant public servant, paid-off with a minor Brussels sinecure worth only a few millions is forced, like Mr Milburn, to flog her insider knowledge to Messrs Boots the Chemists, whilst drawing her own MPs emoluments.


Poor, ailing, priapic, gluttonous Mr Prescott is seldom seen these days in the house representing his doubtless deranged and equally workshy electorate. Perhaps instead he occupies his time with further memoirs and perhaps a well deserved holiday or two. Bless.

It really is too bad. People who have devoted in some cases months a year to ruling us in our own best interests deserve better. And those who cry Up against the wall, motherfuckers, sell short the great British public and its appetite for shit-in-the-face.

Have we not seen, anywy, at Crewe and Nantwich the coming of the New Order? Will Tory lawyer MPs abandon the courts, will Ken Lung Cancer Clarke concentrate on earning his MP's salary or will he continue flogging lethal drugs to third world children, the fat, horrible, smug, shit-eating, sing-song, I-know-best fucking bastard; will the boardrooms of the banks be bereft of braying Tory fuckpigs in pinstripe suits, moonlighting from Westminster, keeping, as they impudently call it, a foot in the real world, bunch of money-grubbing cocksuckers?

All is now changed. Mr Cameron, the walking miscarriage, will soon rule. He will root out fiddles, and scams and moonlighting. On his blank, strangely erased face we will see a righteous thunder as he dragoons his troops into concentrating on the job for which in a four-yearly festival of competitive promising they debase themselves before complete strangers. Tories will be dragged from their merchant banks, their insider dealings and their bondage brothels. The subsidised bars and greasy silver spoons of the Palace of Westminster will fall silent as MPs concentrate on what they are paid to do but in order to continue to attract the very best - people like Prescott & Conway & Oaten - and in order for Mr Cameron to ensure that honourable and right honourables on all sides do not completely scupper his Ascension, salaries, exes and pensions, for so long so unfairly pegged at pittance level, will obviously have to go up. And up. And up. Knighthoods, cocaine and rentboys all round.

May 27, 2008 11:47 AM