stanislav said... Here is the Stabbing Round-up

Guy Fawkes' blog of parliamentary plots, rumours and conspiracy: Marr Gets All Aggressive

stanislav said...

Here is the Stabbing Round-up

FROM THE OFFICE OF SOCRATES JOHNSON-SINGH, MAYOR OF LONDON:

Well it is a jolly rum do, all this knife crime thingy. But I jolly well dunno what they expect me to do about it. I'm not really Socrates, just enjoy a kebab now and again, after a skinful. Maybe I should appoint some more mouthy, bent, black perverts. As a token thingy. Gone now, anyway; line in the old sand, learn valuable lessons, move forward. Enquiry cancelled.

Instead of stabbing each other, can't these people just rampage through the town in evening dress, smash the place up, frighten the locals and get Daddy to pay the bill, like we used to; go to coke parties with their old university chums, y'know, do a spot of insider dealing, try-out some other cove's bitch; engage in a bout of the old flagrante delicto in the back of the Bentley, what ? It's not as though we don't set them a good example. Cocaine? Never touched it.

IN THE HOUSE the shadow leader of the Tory party, Kid Hague, is on his feet:

Ay ay ay funny thing happened to me on the way to the house, Madam Deputy Spunker (cheers) but then, perhaps, perhaps Madam Deputy Spanker, honourable and right members will forgive me if I keep that little apercu for my paying customers (groans of disappointment from all sides.)

As, Madam Deputy Splasher, for these truly dreadful events, whatever they are, I was only saying to Lord Sebastian in the shower this morning, all this stabbing, y'know, it'll have to stop, but he wouldn't be told, naughty boy. It's not as though we, in this place, don't set people a good example

FOR THE GOVERNMENT, Stabbing Minister, Tony McNutter said; I will be responding to people's very real, very real, um, things, Mr Spunker, as ever, by passing new freedoms legislation which the government has already voted on and we will, therefore, not need to detain members who can just get on with their property portfolios, their shopping trips to Mr Lewis's and, as the right honourable member for Richmond has just indicated, their boyfriends.

The thrust of the legislation - The Do As You're Fucking Told, Citizen, (Temporary but Permanent powers) Act - is a return to the founding principles of both my own party and, indeed, all political parties.

As of now, Mr Spunker, any voter who doesn't do as they are told by anyone acting on my behalf will be shot, their assets forfeit to the Exchequer and their family sent for re-education. (Cheers, waving of papers.)

ON BBC's THIS WEEK PROGRAMME Andy Slaphead Jock, Murdoch multi-millionaire and pretend journalist, sits shoulders hunched-up, like a Hibernian hobgoblin, informally tieless, if not wigless, holding his postcards, smirking, as well he might:

Diane, you know some poor black people, don't you, do they smell frightfully bad ? I mean, aren't poor people dreadful ? Whats your take (1960s slang = opinion) on this ?

DIANE LARD, pretend MP (from inside a billowing black tent.) Well, Andrew (waving arms around) I blame the parents; as you know, I was so conscientious a parent that I sent my precious little baby to an expensive, fee-paying, radical socialist school, in order, purely, you understand, to keep him from harm's way, out of reach of my constituents' grubby children and not to give him any advantage in later life, like when he inherits my seat.

So my conscience on this matter, as in all others, is clear. As for the trash and riff-raff in my constituency, well if they can't be bothered to get the very best for their children well, why should I care, not as though I'm paid to represent them or anything. It's not as though I don't set them a good example.

(turning, smiling acidly) Michael, you should know, does Barack Obama have a big one ?

DAME MICHAEL PORTILLO, MURDOCH EMPLOYEE AND FAMOUS COWARD: Indeed, and you make my point, Diane, some of these black chaps have whoppers, as Ron Davies often remarked, when he was Badgers Secretary; it beats me why we can't find jobs for some of them, lots of them, down at the House; why, even some of the female members might find use for a well-developed young ree-surch assistant, although my instinct tells me that they'd be gobbled up, so to speak, by the gentlemen members. You might try one yourself, Andrew, if you ever tire of totty young enough to be your granddaughter. Are we going to be singing Gimme, Gimme, Gimme a Man After Midnight again this week, Andrew, I do hope so.

JOCK NEIL: No, we're not, and that's enough of poor people, let them stab each other to death if they want, now it's time for that giant of political commentary, Peter Stringfellow and HIS take of the week.

And don't go away because later on we have some other facetious, self-aggrandising, celebrity fuckwit I met at a do the other night, I think it's that bald, angry bloke, the pretend soldier, Kemp, another chum of my friend, but not yours, Rupert. Ross will be telling us how they deal with knife crime in the SAS. Which he isn't in.

But don't blame us at This Week for all these stabbings, it's not as though we don't set a good example.

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE CROWN PROSECUTOR, SIR KEN McFREEMASON:

In view of the appalling number of poor people stabbing one another to death, we rich lawyers have decided that it would be a waste of scarce resources to prosecute our worshipful brethren in the houses of parliament, the police, the civil service, the BMA and elsewhere, not that we do.

I have decided, therefore, to amend the Misrepresentation of The People Act, so that henceforth, it is in the public interest that no members, past or present, of these groups may be prosecuted for anything whatsoever, up to and including procuring, prostitution, racketeering, blackmail, money-laundering, extortion, murder and war crimes. Even though they have all done them.

This step merely formalises the existing custom and I feel that it will meet with wide approval. Among those, at any rate, who gave me my job and will give me my retirement peerage, pensions and QUANGO posts.

This fair and even-handed, fearless application of the legal process is bound to restore confidence among those who thought that laws they had made against other people might be unfairly used against themselves.

Now that politicians are free once more to carry on regardless of the law I am confident that all this knife business will just go away, not that anyone important cares about it; rather useful actually, never too young to be an Enemy Within.

It is in this exemplary and impartial execution of my duties that I demonstrate to poor people that I am doing my best to set them a good example.

More stabbing news on the hour, here on Sky with Kay Hatchet. For updates to your mobile, text STAB to news@sky.com

July 7, 2008 12:26 PM