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Stanislav's Rants on Guido (www.order-order.com) plus whatever else tickles my fancy.
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- Plumbers Assistant
- This blog is a compilation of Stanislav's Rants as they appear on Guido. It is neither operated nor sanctioned by him. If you don't like it, don't come back.
MING FUCKED UP ARSE BY WHOLE PARTY.
So said Mungo Lickspittle, editor of Scotch Times on Newswank Scotland last night.
NO. MING FUCKED UP ARSE BY WHOLE PRESS.
Said large frontbench LD haggis spokesperson, Alistair Carbuncle.
NO. MING FUCK SELF UP OWN ARSE.
Said Mrs Simone Hughes, toasting the downfall with a chilled glass of urine, and it is a measure of the man that he wouldn't ask anyone else to do what he wouldn't do himself, simpered Mrs Hughes not terribly convincingly. If there was arse-fucking to be done, Ming would always sprint to the front of the queue, its the kind of man he was, even though arse-fucking was my front bench brief. The party and the nation owe him a debt of gratitude.
On Newswank Scotland Mr Carbuncle praised Lord Ming's decision to deploy HM Inland Revenue against global warming. When Ming, talking out of his noble arse, made that speech, all across China billions of polluting Chinks stopped dead in their tracks, Fuck this, ah so, they said, is back to Stone age for Chinee fellow, honourable little Scotch man far away say that if Chinee fellow make heat he is taxed to fuck, is back to caves for us, chop-chop. We is all good Wiberal Democwat, wear sandal like proper numptie. All slope-eye chinky people shivering in cave and on steppes owe Lord Ming great debt of gratitide.
And that was a measure of the man said Mr Carbuncle, making a quick snack of a loaf of white bread soaked in lard, he was a true global elder statesman. When Ming spoke empires trembled. And all you press people could do was make him look like a silly old cunt, floundering about like a dying cod on the deck of a trawler. The whole nation and not just the arse party owe Lord Ming a great debt of gratitude. Mr Carbuncle, MP for the Orkney Islands said that it was very flattering to be considered even an outsider for the leadership of this great arse-fucking, scatological movement of ours but tasting all the haggises kept him quite busy. And flying up an down from Orkney every week on behalf of his three hundred-strong electorate. No, said Mr Carmichael, wiping the lard from his chins, I'll no' be putting my arse forward for a good fucking, the noo. Jo Grimond was my hero. You never heard of him paying people to shit on him. If he did he kept it really quiet, not like that slag Oaten. That BBC lard was delicious, any chance of another pound or two ?
ME NEXT ON MING'S ARSE, THREATENS EMBARRASSED LADY MING.
Elsewhere Lady Hyacinth Ming confessed that while she was obviously disappointed not to be moving into Number Ten as her second husband had promised, she would try not to hold it against him that they were a national laughing stock. Again. But even so if anybody else wanted to fuck him up the arse they'd have to form an orderly queue behind her.
PARTY FUCKED DIPSO KENNEDY UP ARSE. TOO. ARSE-FUCKING MUST STOP, SAYS ABORTIONIST IN FLASHY SHIRT
Speaking on Radio Scotland, Lord Sir David Steele of the Jermyn Street shirtlifters, sorry makers, Federation and useless oily little bastard said that all this arse-fucking had to stop. When Highlander Kennedy was found to be pissed out of his skull all the time the proper thing would have been to not publicly fuck him up the arse but to send him to the Priory for three months with Michael Barrymore and Pete Docherty and let Lord Ming run the show until Charlie had sobered-up. There was absolutely no need to fuck him up the arse. Wouldn't have happened in my day. (He really did say all this.) No, in my day, if there were troublemakers we'd just hire a hit squad to go and kill their dogs. We simply have to stop fucking our leaders up the arse. That used to be David Owen's job. Any body need a quick abortion ? I can do you one round the back of the studio.
Lord Ming himself was said to be in his Edinburgh mansion, sitting on a very big pile of soft cushions on a chair pushed hard against the wall.
11:44 AM, October 16, 2007
Etymology: Middle English faint, feint, from Anglo-French, from past participle of feindre, faindre to feign, lose heart — more at feign.
More usually written 'faint'. Suspect Guido was unsure of spelling, looked it up and plumped for the less usual 'feint'. The perils of the googlectual, perhaps?
12:03 PM, October 16, 2007
Dennis
I have noticed that you have a lovely complexion
Could you let me know what skin care range you use?
Hitch
12:08 PM, October 16, 2007
Who wielded the dagger ??
Norman Baker...fully paid up member of the Kennedy 'assassination squad'.
12:09 PM, October 16, 2007
What's the matter with all you intelligent posters. e.g pedant and scary biscuits? Guido meant what he wrote - FEINT, which derives from the word feign. Simmple really, and the pun was on the old saying of damn with faint praise, but using FEINT has extra connotations - what the fuck, am I wasting my breath here?
Stanislav could explain it far better, as I have to wipe my tea off the monitor after his gem above. SIR Stanislav!
12:18 PM, October 16, 2007
A good recovery Lord Guido, but it was only a typo and you should have owned-up. We would all still respect you in the morning. Anyway that first bloke was a cunt for drawing attention to it. Stanislav know straight-up what Lord Guido mean. And is fucking Pole. Mean damning with faint praise. Only maybe finger is shake from cocaine and hit mistaken key. Maybe head fucked up with red wine and mix words, easy done. Happen all time. Worms come out all wrong. No need for big elaborate cut-and-stick rebuttal from dictionary to show CAN be damning with feint praise. Is like vanity number plate. If squint can read "I AM CUNT." But is not really correct spelling of I AM CUNT is probably LAM 644T and all twist up with screws and shit. Police should arrest, give good hiding and confiscate car; what else we pay them for ? Tell driver Yes, You IS Cunt and throw down nearest mineshaft.
Is one thing Mrs Alana Johnston make excuse himself for holocaustal slaughter of patients in shithole hospital run by greedy imbecile career fuckwits (like whole fucking country). Another altogether for Lord Guido twist and squirm like fucking politician and make cover-up, think nobody notice. Well Stanislav notice but not mention until now. Many people think Stanislav stupid fucking Pole, eat beetroot, drink vodka and cry about war, think Stanislav know fuck nothing. But is wrong, Stanislav know fuck all.
Anyway better watch out or get Lord Cover-Up Stevens of Northern Ireland and the Met uncover real facts of FeintGate. On second thoughts, no point; right Worshipful brother Stevens not recognise fact if bite on fucking nose. Stevens and fact is not acquainted. Not even feintly.
on second thoughts no point in that
12:36 PM, October 16, 2007
Stanislav,
You read Guido like a book. By the way, any chance you have a buxom sister?
We need a nanny. Cash of course. Own room, (double bed)...
12:41 PM, October 16, 2007
Mountjoy.
Think maybe you come in wrong place. All here is barking mad. Not give fuck about ageism shit. Is maybe you think here is Guardian. Is not. Is dark realm of Lord Guido, iconoclast and employer of entire Stanislav family. Anyway, like friend Dennis the Freak would say: Not start sentence with "and." Is con-fucking-junction.
1:13 PM, October 16, 2007
Hitch: my complexion is a matter of luck. It's in the genes. We have always been a well-favoured bunch. But I do find the Helena Rubinstein blusher very agreeable. A bit old fashioned, but I can't help them. A quick spray of Paco Raban on the old hump also helps when I'm out on the pull. Used to be Esmeralda's favourite. Ah, those were the days!
Stanislav, you are cordially invited for cocktails. Make much laugh but cause Dennis keyboard covered much spittle & postprandial coffee.
1:32 PM, October 16, 2007
Stanislav
Any chance of you nipping around and fixing The Hitch's plumbing?
The central heatings on the blink and after a sufeit of port and curry last night I have a severe blockage in my S bend.
I have had my hand up there but cant quite get a grip on the little racsal , it probably needs some kind of special tool.
This isnt a homosexual come on , rather a cry for help from a man badly let down by British tradesmen.
Hitch
2:06 PM, October 16, 2007
Dear Friend Mr Hitch. Once Mr Hitch and Mr Mad As Fish and Mr 45 was Stanislav valued friends in new country and Stanislav fix toilets for nothing but Stanislav now too fucking busy and important for plumb. Make preparation for sisters come work as nanny/concubine in grand house of Lord Guido. Is modern European. Is adult about work in sex industry. Guido is great man, no? Make future rosy for Stanislav sisters. Instead of drive oxen in overalls, like Scotch woman, and dig beetroot back home in fields of Cracow, sisters dress in thigh boots, scrub floors for minimum wage and sleep in cellar of Guido house. Make sex for Guido when Mrs Guido go out make film with big Jamaican boyfriends. Guido give valuable on-job training and employ sisters as escort in party conference only not LibDem as prefer boys. Guido let sisters keep some of money, but not enough to make spoiled. Or afford own drugs. Oh, England truly land of aspiration and vision. One day Stanislav be proud uncle Stan to many little Guido bastard. Be proper English gent like Gordon Brown, voices in head and everything.
3:16 PM, October 16, 2007