Debbie, PA to Mr Screwtape said... (Devil is in the details)

Debbie, PA to Mr Screwtape said...

Dear Mr Stanislav

Mr Screwtape has asked me to write to you correct any impression you may inadvertently be giving out regarding our client Mr Brown, and bungs or drink-giving bankers. They didn't get where they are today...

As you may be aware, despite our recent modernization programme and re-branding, HellCo likes to do business in accordance with tradition and the values which have made us one of the best-known brands on the planet. Out representatives are known to consumers of every major religion and non-religion alike, second only to the Avon Lady. Indeed, their award-winning slogan ‘ding dong – Avon calling’ was based on our own ‘Hell’s Bells – Bring out yer dead’ (circa 1350) campaign.

Perhaps the biggest reorganization overseen by Mr Screwtape in his developmental role was the introduction of the Silver Disloyalty Card, 'says more about you etc', in to which we had the pleasure to enroll Mr Brown in 1994.

The deal was on the traditional terms but with an innovative three- phase buy-to-buy structure.

In phase one, Mr Brown was to receive his heart's desire or be exposed. Put like that, it was obviously in Mr Brown's interests to accept the unchallenged leadership of Tony Blair. Anyone who has done business with our CEO Mr S - who handles these deals personally - knows that he has a taste for practical jokes. Therefore, within three days activists up and down the country were aware of why Mr Brown had pulled out of the leadership race and would not be getting it by default. Mr S said it was hilarious showing his cloven hoof holding a gateau fork that night, but neither of the diners were prepared to recognize him, even when he tucked his napkin under his chin using his pointed tail, and bruleed the caramel on his own crème by huffing on it.

As a bonus, activists up and down the country decided that the best way to deal with this slur was not to find out the truth of it, but to pretend they had not heard and did not for a moment suspect Mr Brown. Mr S spits on them.

Phase two was Mr Brown's payment with the chancellorship, for which he acted as our agent during his years in the no.2 slot. Mr S kept him on this job for as long as possible because he’s such a tease.

Finally, phase 3 involved Mr Brown receiving his due promotion, then having a non-stop stream of disasters to deal with. Buying the courier company which carries data for government departments was also pioneered by our Mr Screwtape, who really knows how to bugger things up if you can't do it for yourself. However, we cannot take credit for everything; HIPs were entirely of the government's own making. We have high hopes of one or two of the architects of that legislation.

The successful conclusion of phase 3 was the signing of the 'Protocols of the Elders of Lisbon' as we call it. Mr Brown became entirely our property at that point and has received the traditional payment or 'bung' which in this case is 30 x 5p pieces set in an acrylic paperweight. Mr S is very keen on tradition and would not want it said that we do not keep our word.

Mr Screwtape sends his regards with the full understanding that you do not believe in the reality or necessity of his existence. Fair enough; it’s no scales of our tails. The important thing is that our client Mr Brown has always known of us, believed in us, and despite that went ahead and signed anyway. His choice, like his old dad always warned him. He’s ours now until the Almighty activates the Judgment Day procedure

I do realize this is of no comfort to you; it isn’t meant to be as our agent has indeed wrought marvelous trouble. However, we would be much obliged if you would stop putting it about that Mr S has gone soft in his old age. With him, a deal is never quite what it seems and that, too, is a standard we uphold to this day, just you wait and see if we don’t.

Yours for all eternity

p.p. Mr Screwtape

Debbie, PA to Mr Screwtape

P.S. Are you a winner? Scratch the magic panel on the top of this manuscript and ring the number to find out.

11:56 PM, December 17, 2007

stanislav said...

Dear Debbie PA to Mr S

I'm awful sorry, I wouldn't want to upset you fuckers for a minute. If there's something there you want me to retract just you say so and I'm your man; or, rather, I wouldn't wanna be your man, not even for five minutes, never mind fucking eternity. That's a long time, right?

I tell you what, how about you put this to Mr S ? I got a few goats out here in the grounds. I'll slit all their throats and drink the blood right up. Every fucking drop. I won't pretend I like this sort of shit. But if it keeps Mr S cool, why, fuck it, it's the least I can do.

I shoulda known that that Brown guy kept heavy company. Got that look about him. But like you say, a deal's a deal, eh? If you got his ass from now until Kingdom fucking come you don't want me screwing things up. I can dig that.

I'm awful sorry if I caused Mr S any upset. If its any help I can come and fix his toilets up. I normally say StanislavPlumbCheap4U but in Mr S's case, I'll do it for free. That's my best offer. I'll drink the hot blood, I'll fix up the toilet and then you guys just forget all about me. I'll stop posting on here. And I'll go back to the Old Country and become a priest. Only not the kiddy-fiddling kind. I fucking hate that shit, don't you? Oh, never mind, sorry I asked. Mr S probably got some deal with the Vatican right? Yes, thought so.

It was really great to hear from you and I'm sorry about everything.

Your humble, plumbing servant, like the great Polish poet Coleridge said, a sadder and a wiser man, stanislav

1:19 AM, December 19, 2007